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Serena Williams Shines the Light on Abuse

Serena Williams is the ambassador for the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse program that focuses on the issue of abuse via financial control.  “One in four women will experience domestic violence,” she says, “and this is to help woman and communities throughout America find a way (out of) abuse through financial education and empowerment. That’s my big message.’’ 

Now is the time for more women to tell their stories.  The women’s movement has stagnated around #MeToo and #TimesUp focusing on sexual assault in the workplace.  While these are imperative aspects of women’s issues, the scope of woman abuse from partners has seemingly taken the back burner.  Thank you, Serena, for shining the light back onto the issue of domestic abuse.

You may ask, “Is this really that important?”  You’re darn right it is especially when you consider:

  • Many women in North America (20% in Canada, 25% in the U.S.) have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime, and 70% of spousal violence is not reported to the police so the statistics are likely much higher.  99% of all domestic violence includes financial control.  Does this mean that therefore financial control necessarily leads to domestic violence?  No, but restricting spending, preventing financial account access, excluding from financial decisions and causing debt are all considered financial abuse.
  • Violence against women costs taxpayers and the government billions of dollars every year: Canadians collectively spend $7.4 billion to deal with the aftermath of spousal violence.  In 2016, the McKinsey Global Institute reported in the U.S. violence against women costs about $4.9 billion in direct costs alone.
  • It has a profound effect on children:  Help organizations in both Canada and the U.S. claim children who witness violence in the home have twice the rate of psychiatric disorders as children from non-violent homes and are more likely to become violent in their adult relationships.

Mariska Hargitay’s Joyful Heart Foundation launched the No More campaign in 2013 to break the stigma and it brought the issue to public attention with TV ads and they continue to work with many agencies.

Bringing these matters to the public eye is important.  Calling someone out on being controlling is important.  Total intolerance of abuse is important.  But isn’t that just putting a band-aid on the problem?  The issue is extremely complex.  If we have any hope of truly changing the issue of men dominating women in the home, in the workplace, or anywhere; we need to look at the root cause. How are our societies raising our children?  We need to model effective behaviour every day.

We’re not going to erase the Disney images of sweet little princesses needing the knight in shining amour riding on the white horse, but perhaps we can limit that exposure and present gender neutral/equal alternatives in child play.  We need to have meaningful discussions with our children and teenagers about what they see and hear.  A good start might be to talk about how wonderful it is that Serena Williams is setting such a great example by being the Ambassador for the Purple Purse.

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Recognizing Abuse

Some people ask why I blog.  The simple answer is that I want to share what happened to me so that other women might be helped – to start anew, to pick up the pieces, to leave an abusive relationship, to perhaps even recognize that they are in an abusive relationship and above all to stay safe.  I wrote the following several years ago after leaving an abusive relationship:

It was a weeknight in October with a thunderstorm threatening.   As I parked the car in the parking lot of the Abused Women’s Centre, the clouds opened up and it started to rain.  I had hesitated about one minute too long.  I was here at the behest of good friends, not because I thought I needed any help or counselling.  Feeling invincible and determined, I thought I could make a run for it; but as I dodged people and umbrellas along the busy downtown street, the heavens burst apart and dumped relentless buckets of water on me.

I arrived at the centre in totally soaked clothes sticking to my skin and hair completely flattened by rain.  I stood in reception and asked if there were any towels.  Helpful women scurried around and brought me towels, a baby blanket and a hair dryer.  Still feeling invincible, I went to the bathroom, stripped down and wrapped myself in my temporary donations.  A woman came, collected my clothes, and told me they’d be in the dryer. I apprehensively walked down the hall and into the meeting room with several women. As she saw me draped in towels, one of the counsellors said, “You deserve the prize for having the most moxie!”

The information session’s purpose seemed to be threefold – to inform:

  1. The services offered,
  2. The definition of abuse, and
  3. How to implement a safety plan.

I was keenly aware of my attire being an attention-getter. There might be times when I would relish being the centre of attention, but this was certainly not one. So I just sat silently hoping the others’ interest would be diverted to the leader rather than me. “Services provided by our Centre….blah, blah, blah.” 

I wasn’t really listening. In my typical fashion, I was skimming ahead in the written pamphlet. Third or fourth page in was a wheel diagram called the Abuse Wheel (adapted from the original Duluth Model  https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/).

I looked at it. It made sense. I was still looking at it as an observer, gathering information. And, with my teaching and curriculum design background, I was reading it as an editor. I hadn’t truly taken it in, personalized it or reflected upon it. I was more concerned that each of us would be asked questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer. I didn’t want to share. I didn’t even want anyone to know who I was. Thankfully, our anonymity was respected. No questions were asked.

We were asked to look at the Abuse Wheel and check off anything that related to us and our relationship with our abuser. I took a second, closer look. “Humiliating you in front of others.” Check. Frank had always tried to. “Name calling”. Check. Frank used to call me ‘tubby’ or ‘plumpy’, because I had asked him to stop calling me ‘fatso’. I continued reviewing the chart. “Controlling what you do”. Check. Yup, that was Frank. “Controlling how you look”. Check. When he didn’t like what I was wearing, he’d tell me I looked like a farmer. To him, that was an insult. “Controlling who you see or communicate with”. Check. Frank didn’t like me spending time with girlfriends. In fact, whenever I spoke with Katherine on the phone, he would say, “I don’t know why you call her. You hardly ever see her and she never calls you.” I continued on.

Preventing you from physical care.” Check.  In the last two years, in spite of the fact that I had one tooth that bothered me, he wouldn’t let me go to the dentist.  I felt a well of emotion rise within me. “Slapping, hitting, punching, pushing”. Check. Until recently, this hadn’t been an issue, but that horrible night flashed through my head. I stared at the booklet in front of me afraid to make eye contact with anyone. My mouth became dry and I felt a lump in my throat. Tears started welling up in my eyes.  Through the blur I continued reading. “Using threatening looks”. Check. “Destroying your property”. Check. The tears started to run down my face. “Forcing you to watch pornography”. Check. My innermost secrets and the darkest part of my life stared back at me from the page.

I could barely swallow. I could barely breathe. I felt naked. I wanted to cry out loud. How did they know how he treated me? I wanted to scream, “That fucking bastard!”  I wanted to kill him. Instead, I just sat there.  It was as if time had frozen. I don’t even know if the presenter was still talking. Maybe the room was quiet.  Maybe others were asking questions – I’m not sure.  I have no idea how long I sat there looking at that Abuse Wheel.

Epiphany:  “Oh, my God, I am an abused woman. It wasn’t just that one night of domestic violence. I have been an abused woman for years.”

My head was whirling. I felt so stupid. How could this be? Suddenly I was cold. I wanted to be invisible. At first, I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up.  I wanted Scotty to beam me up and transport me to a happy place. I wanted to travel back in time. I wanted to push the ‘redo’ button. Suddenly I noticed that no one was talking. I finally had the courage to look up. I wasn’t the only one crying. 

I drove home with more questions in my head than answers. How did this happen? How could I not have realized Frank was so controlling and abusive? Was I an enabler? Was I to blame? Did others know? What will the rest of my life be like? What got me here?

The only way I could figure out what to do next was to understand how and why this had happened.  The only way to do that was to commence an analytical review of my life.  Maybe then I would discern the causes and not repeat my errors.  As part of my search to discover how I had become a victim of abuse, I delved into my past. Was there something about my heritage, my childhood or my personality that contributed? I needed to understand myself. I needed answers. And so began my mission. 

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Women’s Liberation – One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The other day while soaking up the sunshine treading water in the local outdoor pool, my friend asked, “What ever happened to Women’s Lib?”  I don’t remember what we were talking about that spurred the discussion, but we often touch on serious topics when waiting for our aquatics class to begin.  Many of the participants are teachers with free time in the summer, some of us are retired professionals – the conversations can get much more interesting than idle chit chat.  This got me thinking.

In the 60s and 70s we were on a roll towards equality.  We challenged sexism with a vengeance.  We thought we were setting the stage for great change.  At the time, I was climbing the corporate ladder aimed for the glass ceiling.  I was lucky enough to work for companies where the male/female ratio was close or actually 50/50 and pay was equitable.  I was focused on a successful career and in my narrow path, perhaps because I was ‘making it in a man’s world’, I didn’t notice what was happening (or not) around me.

What has happened to the Women’s Liberation Movement?  What happened to the momentum started 40 years ago?  Now look around me and I am in disbelief.  We seem to be going further away from equality.

I am outraged at the recent ‘heartbeat’ bills in the United States.  I am so thankful that I live in a country where the government leaves such decisions to a woman and her doctor.  Canada is one of the few nations with no specific legal restrictions on abortion; however, there are some right wing politicians who have recently started a new debate.  This is a step backward for women’s rights.

The Trump Administration changed the definition of domestic violence and sexual assault to mean only felony or misdemeanor level physical harm.  So, now in the U.S. other forms of domestic violence such as control, manipulation and psychological abuse no longer fit the legal definition.  The Obama Administration’s definition was much broader including physical, sexual, emotional, economical or psychological actions or threats of actions.  This is a step backward for women’s rights.

In the 1960s women in North America made 59 cents for each dollar men made.  Studies in 2016 and 2019 by Glassdoor Economic Research shows that in Canada women made 84₵ to their male counterparts and those in the U.S. made only 79₵.  The gap does narrow if comparing only workers of similar age, education and experience, and further narrows if adjusted to compare only same job title, employer and location to a 4% differential.  I understand that pay equity is affected by women catching up with education and experience so therefore takes time.  So, this isn’t a step backwards, but it certainly isn’t moving forward as quickly as we had hoped 40 years ago.

Worldwide gender equality encompasses so many issues – there is a plethora of problems to solve, particularly in countries with massive amounts of poverty.  One would think that North America would be the leaders in gender equality, but according to the World Economic Forum study in 2018, Scandinavian countries lead the way.  While it doesn’t necessarily mean these would be the best places to live, the following countries have made the best progress based on economic opportunities, education attainment, health status and political empowerment for women: Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Nicaragua, Rwanda, and New Zealand. https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/did-you-know/the-best-countries-for-gender-equality/ar-BBTz11H

Shame on us.

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On Being Positive – Part 2

In the first part of this blog “On Being Positive” from June 17, 2019, I said I had no formal training regarding how to be positive.  Rethinking the topic I realize I actually have and I’d like to share my source with you:  Dr. Edward de Bono  https://www.edwddebono.com/

Renowned psychologist and consultant, Dr. de Bono is known worldwide for his ideas and works on strategic and creative thinking, originating the term ‘lateral thinking’.  In the late 1980s, I had the privilege of attending one of his two-day seminars in Toronto. The man is pure genius!  Even though his presentation was methodical and dry, one could hear a pin drop when he spoke. He didn’t need a fancy PowerPoint accompaniment or pizzazz in his speech because the content alone was fascinating.

While much of his work with corporations and governments; what has stuck with me eternally is Dr. de Bono’s tool of the Six Thinking Hats. The concept is simple enough for children to use and yet captivating and practical enough for adults.  Although De Bono teaches it for groups to solve problems (so everyone is on the same page), I like to use it personally particularly when I find myself thinking negatively or struggling with an issue.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGfUroHvduM

Each hat has a different colour, representing different perspectives:  white for information collection, black for critical analysis, yellow for positive analysis, red for emotion, green for creativity and blue for overview or summation.  What struck me as most brilliant is the concept within the concept – the ‘rules’ De Bono created for Six Thinking Hats – the most important one being:  only wear one hat at a time.  Wearing only one hat at a time channels our thoughts to its purpose.  No opinions are allowed when wearing the white hat.  Use logic only when wearing the black or yellow hats.  Logic isn’t necessary while wearing red or green hats.  You can wear each hat in any order you please, but it’s recommended to think with your blue hat only when you’ve worn all the others.  It’s okay to think negatively about an issue.  After you’ve thought of all of the negative points, imagine replacing the black hat onto its shelf and donning, say, the red hat.  Now, how do you feel about the issue? 

Teaching this approach as sort of a game to children reaps major benefits. Imagine being able to suggest to a little one that he or she should perhaps remove their black hat and try on the yellow one. This teaches children not only that it’s okay to react negatively but also that they can limit their negativity and that they have the power within to resolve problems themselves.

Dr. de Bono has shared his concepts widely on the Internet.  Meeting Edward de Bono set me on the path of finding and celebrating the positive things in life. I urge you to ‘google’ his teachings. Happy surfing!

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Remembering Mom Part 2 – The More Serious Side of Dementia

In the summer of 2013 I decided to take an apartment with my mother because I had noticed that she was forgetting simple things like where she put her cheque book, or whether she’d paid the cable bill.  I wanted to spend some time with her so I could observe her behaviour and decide if she was able to live alone or if she needed assistance.

I soon realized that her taking extra long to get dressed was really because she couldn’t decide what to wear.  I started to understand that the reason she took so long to get ready for bed going back and forth from her bedroom to the bathroom was because she had forgotten that she’d already brushed her teeth.  It wasn’t long before I was aware that there wasn’t much she remembered.  She didn’t even know we were living together in the apartment and would say things like, “I’m sorry I didn’t know you were staying for dinner and didn’t get out to the grocery store today” (this was months after I didn’t let her go out on her own). 

One afternoon she asked me, “What ever happened to your brother?”  Now my brother, her son, had just recently visited so I didn’t comprehend her meaning so I asked, “What do you mean?” She replied, “Your brother Mike, where is he?”  My brother’s name is Steve, so I was really confused.  Not thinking, I asked, “Who am I?”  She quickly replied, “Martha”.  I’ve never heard of a Martha.  Not knowing what to do, I got up and left the room for a few minutes.  When I returned, I looked her in the eyes and asked, “Mom, who am I?”  She said, “You’re Linda.”  (Whew!) I explained, “A few minutes ago you called me Martha.  Who is she?”  She thought for a minute and replied, “Well, I was thinking of my cousin Martha.  I must have thought you were her.  I wonder what ever happened to her brother.”  This was my first insight into a dementia mind.  She wasn’t just thinking about the past, it was as though she was living it at that moment.

Those inflicted with Alzheimer’s disease seem to travel back in time in their minds – doctors told me typically to a happy time.  So the best way to have a conversation with them is to figure out where their mind is.  Whenever Mom said something strange, I spoke to her as though she was hypnotized and I would ask questions like, “where are you?” and “who are you with?”  She would answer and we’d have lovely conversations apparently in corn fields, at the harbour, even in the school yard.  This went on for months.  Sometimes it was a puzzle and other times it was like she was writing the novel of her life.  I just followed along the mystery tour.

Although she’s been physically gone for two years now, the mother that I knew all my life vanished three years prior.  As sad as it was to watch her brain diminish, those times were, in a way, magical.

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Remembering Mom – the Funny Side of Dementia

From 2013 through most of 2014 I was my mother’s full-time caregiver, living with her to assess her failing health.  I took her to numerous doctors to be eventually diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia by one and Alzheimer’s Disease by another, and I eventually placed her in a wonderful nursing home. I learned a great deal about how the brain works when one has dementia which I might write about another time.  Right now, though, I choose to remember only the funny things she said.  Some of these I posted on Facebook as they happened.  I compile these for your enjoyment:

1.  When we first moved into our apartment, one evening I had to go out for a few hours.  As our landline phone had not yet been installed, I gave my mother my cell phone (a small Blackberry) and instructed her that all she needed to do was push ‘S’ and she could speak to me. I slowly repeated the instructions to make sure she understood and she said, “Yes.  I understand.  I pick this up and I push ‘S’.  But I do have one question.  Where’s the phone?”

2. From an era past: This morning as we’re leaving the Chiropodist, Mom says, “I need to go to the bathroom, but I can’t go here”. So, I ask why not. She replies, “Because I don’t have any change for a tip.”

3.  My mother yesterday morning: “Is March first April Fool’s Day?” (I just couldn’t make this stuff up!)

4.  Went shopping today and bought Mom 3 pairs of pajamas. She had a hard time with this. First, I tried saying “consider it an early birthday present”. That didn’t work. I finally convinced her that I bought them because I was tired of looking at her in her old tattered ones, so in effect I bought them to please myself. Even then, she asked, “will they fit you?” I said, “No, they’re too small for me”. She replied, “So, you can’t wear them after I die?” (She’s 92.) “No, Mother, I won’t be wearing your pajamas after you die!” After much debate and me convincing her I got them all on sale, she finally conceded. Whew!

5.  Okay, so maybe I have a warped sense of humour, but it really made me chuckle tonight when my Mom said, “I think I’d better go to bed. I just wrote a Christmas card to a dead person.”

6.  The conversation tonight while I’m washing the dishes and Mom is still sitting at the table:
Mom: “On the shelf over the TV, is that tall thing a candle?”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Mom: “So if the lights went out, it would shed a lot of light.”
Me: “Yes, it would. I have lots of candles. We don’t have to worry.”
Mom: (singing) “Where was little Johnny when the lights went out. That’s an old song. Do you know it?”
Me: “No, I don’t”
Mom: “Down by the river with his dickie hanging out!”

As difficult as it was to watch my mother’s brain slowly die over these months, I will always remember and cherish that time with her.  Many conflicted with dementia are negative and grumpy, but she was consistently cheerful and content during this phase.  For that I am grateful.

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On Letting Go

We all have our “baggage”, events in our life, typically ones that had a negative impact, which we carry with us.  These are the things we ruminate about as we’re falling asleep.  Some of us carry these issues for days, weeks, even our lifetime. 

I learned about “baggage” on a job in my youth.  I have a strong work ethic and strive to take care of all the details in any job.  Early one week, the owner returned from a supposed client meeting but the client had cancelled. The client claimed that he had advised me and assumed that I had passed along the message.  I had left a note on my boss’s desk, which he had apparently not seen.  My boss had not seen the message.  Ergo he was annoyed at his having just driven all the way downtown.  This really bothered me.  Later in the week my boss called me at home on a different matter. At the end of the conversation, I added, “I’ve been thinking about the mishap this week, and I’m sure I put that message…..” He interrupted me, “It’s okay.  It’s a non-issue.”  Then, very slowly, he said, “You can let it go now.”  He knew I had been carrying this baggage all week. I had been stewing over it. This was a huge learning moment.

We all need to learn to ‘let go’.  It’s not just specific single experiences – it can be much bigger.  If most of the men in your life have been controlling, then there might be a tendency to think all men are controlling.  If most of the women in your life have been manipulative, then there might be a tendency to think all women are manipulative.  Many people paint an entire group the same colour as one experience.  We do it as consumers all the time.  If you were mistreated at one branch of a store, you might boycott the whole chain; whereas perhaps you just happened upon one clerk at one store who was having a bad day.

The focus of negative occurrences in our lives isn’t just a waste of time; it can hinder our outlook on life.  We cannot move forward effectively if we’re always looking in the rear-view mirror.  Bad things happen.  We cannot change that.  We can, however, think about them for a bit, analyze what we might do or react to them differently the next time, and then file them away only to be brought to the forefront if absolutely necessary.  We can learn from them and then move on.  Let go of them.   

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On Being Accommodating

Although the women’s rights movement still has a long journey ahead, every now and then I look back at how things were not so very long ago, particularly if I catch a glimpse of an older TV show or movie.  Men went to work and women stayed home.  Women cooked, cleaned, washed, prepared, chauffeured, decorated, repaired, entertained, nursed, tutored, and organized.  They handled everything as if behind the scenes, allowing the man to be the star of the show. They did all of this willingly, lovingly, energetically and happily.

I grew up this way.  Dad was the ‘breadwinner’ so Mom did all of the housework.  Some of it was obvious.  Some of it was more subtle, like Dad getting the biggest/best serving at dinner, his choice of what we all watched on TV, or his choice of bathroom time.  From the 1970s and onward, grown daughters have examined this aspect of their upbringing and realized they do not want to follow suit.  In her poem Shrinking Women, Lily Myers says, “I have been taught accommodation” as she reflects upon the sexist environment in which she grew up.

In my second marriage, I became that woman – the one who took care of it all. Now I know it was a mistake to let it happen. It didn’t start out that way. For the first several years, we split chores almost evenly.  Weekdays, because he arrived home first, he would start the dinner. And, he did the normal ‘man’ things like mowing the lawn, taking the garbage out as well as anything that involved construction or repair. He also kept a vegetable garden. We both had full-time jobs. Gradually, though, over the years, he did less and less while I did more and more. There was always a valid reason. He broke his foot and found mowing the lawn painful. I started working closer to home so I was home in time to cook dinner. He suffered from depression so didn’t have the initiative to take on projects.  I did more and more. He did less and less.  Sometimes it was just less complicated to do the task than to argue about it.   Like many other women, I imagine, became ‘accommodating’.

Being accommodating all of the time is not healthy. In my case, it stemmed from a combination of aiming to please and wanting to avoid confrontation or possible conflict. Sure, it’s okay when you’re taking care of an elderly parent or someone who simply cannot do for themselves. I’m not talking about being a caregiver. I’m talking about the male/female spousal relationship where the man becomes the lord and master thus the woman becomes the servant. It is not okay when you’re constantly doing for a person who can do for themselves or a person who seldom or never reciprocates.

If you are continually serving a person, they are taking advantage of you. Talk to the person about it. Learn to say ‘no’. Set some boundaries.

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Understanding People

I get along with most people. Of course there are those I prefer to spend time with and those I avoid. I shoot straight from the hip and expect everyone else to do so as well. So, typically, I take things at face value. Every now and then, though, I find myself pondering human behavior. “Why did he do that?” or “What was she thinking?

I’m thankful that I took a few psychology courses in my youth and have been exposed to several psychologists’ theories in my work. What follows is really a synopsis of those with my own personal views.

Most human behaviour stems from the individual’s psychological needs. The definition of one’s psychological needs varies from expert to expert. One might define them as ‘belonging, power, freedom and fun’ or another might say psychological needs are ‘variety, significance, love, growth certainty and contribution’. In dealing with people every day, it doesn’t really matter how you label them. My point is that people’s words and actions usually have a deep connection to their psychological need. So, the real question one should ask is “What are they really looking for?” Is it to be included or excluded? Is it to have a good time? Is it to feel good about themselves? Is it to be respected? Is it to be in control?

Sometimes, it’s really easy to help others out by providing them with what they seek to satisfy these needs. Spend time with them or leave them alone. Play along with them. Pay them a compliment. Let them take the lead. The caution is to know when to draw the line – especially with someone who needs to be in control.

Learning to get along with everyone involves understanding that people’s communication styles and psychological needs are different; and that understanding cannot include any prejudice. I might enjoy being with people and want to be included, but I appreciate that some people prefer to be alone. I don’t think any less of them.

So, the next time someone does or says something strange to you, explore the root causes and their underlying motivation before reacting. Your world might be happier.

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On Being Positive

I believe there are naturally positive people and naturally negative people. I have been told by others that I am a positive person. I have no formal education regarding ‘how to be positive’ – merely my personal observations in life. My first real teacher on how to be more positive was my friend Katherine. Many years ago when her son was a toddler, she observed how he would get easily frustrated when something he was trying to figure out didn’t work. I’m sure you’ve all witnessed small children throw some inanimate toy and say, “Stupid _______”. She would instantly pick up the toy and say, “Darling, the toy isn’t stupid. Here, let’s try this again.”  It was through observing Katherine with her son that I started to frame my awareness of how we all have negative and positive thoughts about daily activities; and it’s how we approach those activities that will shape our attitude, our beliefs and our ultimate success.

Many of us, by nature, think of the negative first. That’s okay, if we’re aware of it. In fact, negative thinking can keep us out of trouble.  In a stressful situation, it’s very likely the first thoughts will be either negative or emotional. Those are ‘self protection’ thoughts and they are not bad thoughts. If, however, one is stuck in those thoughts; the results are unlikely to be positive.  If we’re aware of it, then we can consciously turn it off and think about the situation positively. We’ve all lain in bed at night reliving some mishap of the day. The secret is to recognize that you’ve got this never-ending Ferris wheel happening in your thoughts and to mentally tell yourself to stop.

If you cannot think positively about that particular situation then try thinking of something else….and keep doing it. For some people saying prayers helps – saying thanks for the positive things that happened in your day and perhaps asking for some guidance with unresolved issues. My friend Elizabeth, a staunch atheist, would say that if you fall asleep thinking about all of the aspects (both positive and negative) of a problem, you will wake up in the morning with potential solutions. She believed that your brain worked through the problem as you slept.

In my years working as a consultant, our focus was on positive and negative language that affects the reaction of the listener. This is relevant with everyone. If you think negatively, you will likely speak negatively. If you speak negatively, you will likely get a negative reaction. Let me give you a simple example. As consultants, we listened to hundreds of telephone calls. We found that many company reps were saying, “You have to mail us the form.” Often, the reaction was negative. “Why should I have to do that?”, or “How long will it take?” or “Why can’t you just issue the cheque?” We suggested to this particular company that they’d have less resistance if they said, “If you mail us the form, we can issue the cheque right away.” Bingo. The resistance was minimal. People didn’t “have to” do anything and they understood the benefit immediately.

We may or may not have control over what happens to us. We do, however, have control over how we react.  Only you have the power create happiness. Maybe that happiness will come from changing your own situation. Maybe it will come from helping others change theirs. Likely you won’t be able to master your personal challenge on your own. Over the last five years, I have had the good fortune of many positive friends and professionals who made my journey easier. I have surrounded myself with positive people. I continue to surround myself with positive people. Build your own support network of positive people.  Whatever your journey is, know that you can be strong and that there are others out there who will help you.

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Hindsight/Guidelight

Welcome. What does the title mean? Hindsight because at my age one begins to reflect upon the events and experiences of one’s life, celebrate the successes and wonder what one could have done differently. Guidelight represents the concept that perhaps someone else might find hope, direction, or mere solace in my sharing some of those experiences.

I support many causes: animal rights, woman’s rights, saving our oceans and forests, preventing senior abuse, and more. I won’t be writing about those here. What I will be writing about is relationships – those we have with our parents, children, friends and ourselves.

I am a domestic abuse and violence survivor. I have written an unpublished manuscript that started as a journal 6 years ago. In my upcoming blog, there will be posts about those events and the journey I took to get away from my abuser. Some of the detail might be a little dark, but I will endeavour to keep it focused on the positive with insight and encouragement. If I can help one woman recognize that she’s in an abusive relationship, set her on a new path, or provide her guidance in making good decisions, then my mission will be accomplished.

However, being a survivor neither defines who I am nor limits the ideas I have to share with others. I plan on writing about many topics that will likely interest women of all backgrounds and ages.

Professionally I have been a salesperson, manager, life skills coach, teacher, curriculum writer and realtor. I have also served on the Board of Directors of the London Abused Women’s Centre. Personally I have a wife, step-mother, and full-time caregiver. I’ve had many opportunities, some successes, and a few failures. Eventually, I will write about most of them.

I welcome your positive input. Be safe.

Women Supporting Women – what real stars do

This week Canadian teenager Bianca Andreescu took the Rogers Cup against Serena Williams who retired from the final with an injury. It’s not how Bianca wanted to win and Serena was clearly unhappy. Watch what happened. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20kt-wAXQOQ

The headlines read that this is the first time a Canadian has won the Rogers Cup in 50 years. But that’s not what most of us will remember. More important is the demonstration of one woman supporting another. Basically Bianca told Serena how much she admired her and asked her if it was her back. When Serena nodded confirmation, Bianca said, “That sucks” and hugged her.

Both women are champions and wonderful role models. In this case, one for knowing her limitations and bowing out gracefully and the other for showing respect and empathy. To me, it doesn’t really matter who got the cup. Congratulations to two classy ladies!

Grandparent by Choice

I have always viewed being a grandparent as a gift.  You see, I never had my own children. I always wanted children.  In my teens, I would make lists of baby names. In my mid twenties, I tried desperately to get pregnant. Throughout my thirties, the longing for my own was so strong that I was almost brought to tears each time I held a baby.  It simply was not meant to be.  Finally, I was blessed when my eldest stepson had his three daughters.  From the moment I held each of them in my arms, there was a connection like none other. They would not know that I was merely a ‘step’ grandmother.  Although not the historical origin of the term, I always fancied it meant to ‘step up’ and take on the role.

With their natural grandmothers distanced (one by physical miles, the other by mental illness); I was presented with the opportunity to spend much quality time with these three beautiful children.  Even though I’ve only been a small part of their lives, they’ve been a huge part of mine.  Every visit was a respite from the tedium of daily life, a joy to anticipate and a source of pleasure to recollect.

In addition to family holiday gatherings, we shared tea parties, puppet shows, craft dates, park excursions, sleepovers, pool get-togethers, and shopping trips.  I read fairy books aloud, told ghost stories, and played multiple board games.  I remember one instance when I was pouring them a replacement beverage for a mock tea party; each time I poured, I acted as a different character – an English lady, a robot, a sniveling child.  Through the shrieks of delight, the middle child would squeal, “Do the lady, Nana, do it again!”  There was always only one rule when they were at Nana’s house – no crying.  The no rules policy was easy, because they were such good kids.  Even though there was no official bedtime, they would all fall asleep at a decent hour anyways, exhausted from an active day.  I think of those times often.

My heart swells with pride today as they are all off to college and university pursuing their diverse dreams.  Even though their mother and I have divorced the men that brought us together, the five of us meet occasionally, now as women.  I am still their Nana:  a title I will cherish forever.    

When You Leave An Abusive Relationship

I left my abusive ex-husband 6 years ago after 25 years of emotional abuse and thankfully only one night of violence. The first 3 years were rough and would have been a lot smoother if I had done a few things differently. So, please consider the following:

If you are in danger, call 911. Call the police. I wish I had. They are trained professionals and many of their calls involve domestic violence. They are used to the cunning, lying behaviours of an abuser and in most cases will believe you. Don’t call friends, family, or neighbours. Chances are they will have never dealt with this type of situation before, won’t know what to do other than console you, and they may even try to talk you into going back.

Get a lawyer as soon as possible. Had I seen a lawyer within the first few days of leaving, I would have saved myself years of grief and a considerable amount of money. A lawyer would have likely suggested that the proceeds from its sale go into a trust fund. Instead, because I thought I was being fair, I thought my ex would be as well. That wasn’t the case, and my quest for fairness dragged out into an unnecessary three-year legal battle taking its financial and emotional toll.

Avoid all contact with your abuser. Statistics indicate that abused women are in danger even after they leave their abuser. Ex-husbands stalk and even kill their ex-wives. You may think you can handle seeing him. I thought I could. I was wrong. The result was that I effectively gave him permission to control me. At first, I let him contact me for the sake of keeping peace with the family. I thought I could forgive him and that perhaps we could be friends. That opened the door for him to continue harassing and it continued for years. Every time he contacted me, I was unsettled for hours afterwards. Eventually, I had to leave the city, change my phone number and block him from email and Facebook. No contact means NO CONTACT!  Stop all contact immediately. It’s the only way to heal and move on.

Think of yourself first. Many abused women are used to taking care of others first. In fact, they are so busy trying react to their partner’s behaviour they don’t think of themselves.  Do something that’s healthy for you. We all have psychological needs. Go for long walks, join a gym, exercise. Socialize, go to a movie, take a vacation. Each person’s psychological needs are different, so figure out what recharges your battery and do it.

Separate your finances and utilities. Banks and utility companies deal with this issue daily. They’re very nice about it. If your name is on the utility, get your name off the bill before your ex makes additional charges. Even though the cable was in my name, the company representative was empathetic and immediately removed my ex’s additional charges for porn movies when I explained the situation.

Get your valuables away from your abuser as soon as possible. I only had the opportunity to return to the house once with my ex not there. The next time I went back (accompanied) my ex was there. He refused to leave. So, naturally, I was uncomfortable and hurried. What he hadn’t sold or packed, he had damaged or destroyed. In hindsight, I would have called his parole officer and forced him to leave so that I could have a day to pack my belongings. One could say that ‘things’ aren’t important and, of course, I value my freedom and safety over my belongings. However, I had spent years collecting books, art, glassware, entertaining dishes, linen and mementos. I’ve been able to replace some of them, but it still annoys me that I left my belongings behind.

Get professional help. I didn’t think I needed professional help. At the encouragement and insistence of friends, I finally did go to an abuse centre, my family physician, a psychiatrist and a lawyer. I also spoke with the local Special Victim Unit. If for no other reason than to formally document what happened; I urge you to contact all of these professionals and do it immediately. Find a women’s centre in your city. No one will understand what you’re going through as well as a woman who has gone through it herself.

Reach out to friends. Share your experience. Caution:  don’t go on and on and expect pity. Tell your story once only, but tell it to everyone you know. People are generally empathetic. Do this for yourself and for others. Part of the issue with domestic violence and abuse is that the ‘general public’ doesn’t realize how rampant it is in our society. Spread the news. Sometimes friends will offer things you hadn’t even thought of. One friend gave me pots and pans, a vacuum cleaner and some various dishes. Another friend gave me a place to stay for a while and some desperately needed cash. Friends who I contacted via email or Facebook were most encouraging and provided the emotional support I needed.

Keep a journal. At least try. You may or may not find it healing, but at minimum you will have a record of when things happened. This may be important later on. Police will ask for the particulars. I found within several months I started to forget the details.

If just one woman reads this and makes better decisions in leaving her abusive partner, my purpose will be fulfilled.  Be safe.